Something Like the Beginning

I think part of my struggle with this blog (besides the fact that it doesn't write itself) is that I wanted it to be funny, or interesting, or colon-explodingly spectactular. I wanted it to be what I saw in other blogs. I wanted a hook and I wanted to be amusing. The problem is that I'm funny, interesting AND colon-explodingly spectacular pretty much all the time, but that's a hard thing to get across in a blog (you really need to live that particular experience).

So this is my last try. The purpose of this blog moving forward is a recounting of my life from the end of my series of Los Angeles e-mails. After leaving LA I moved to Brooklyn, lost every last hint of self-confidence and spiraled into a depression so deep that I spent nearly four years in a terrifically boring office job in Buffalo without really noticing. That's about to end soon (one way or another) and now seems like a good time to fill in the gaps. And if I can't even do that, the blog dies.

Boy and Dog. Dog now dead.

Before Los Angeles everything is hazy. I was born in Ellsworth, in a manager, surrounded by moose and bears. Let me think about it. I can probably remember something else...

What Star Trek Needs to Do For Me

The new Star Trek movie has arrived. Everyone seems to think it's pretty good, which bodes well, because I plan on seeing it. But is it great? I think it could be great, but only if it fulfills between 60%-75% of my Star Trek Reboot Wish List, which goes as follows:

1) Victims of the Vulcan Neck Pinch need to drool a little afterward. That makes it more realistic.

2) Tony Jaa. I don't even care what he's doing. He could be eating a burrito and hitting on high school girls. It would still be awesome.

3) Shirtless Ricardo Montalban.

4) Oh. He's dead? Nevermind then.

5) Cameo appearance from the Three-Breasted Prostitute from Total Recall. Possibly banging Captain Kirk. I'm open to suggestions.

6) Ewoks. Exploding. Exploding Ewoks.

7) Kal Penn shows up and gets baked with Lt. Sulu, followed by epic journey through space and time in search of cheap, palm-sized burgers.

8) Batman. And don't tell me Batman doesn't exist in the future. I've seen Batman Beyond.

9) Predator vs. Aliens. Vs. Jason vs. Freddy. Vs. Sever vs. Ecks. Six-way battle royal. (Lucy Liu for the win.)

10) Ponies. Hordes of beautiful ponies.

Oh fuck it. They've already got my damn money.

What Do You Want From Me, Blog? I'm Only Human

Look. Things have been a little tough lately. I've been real busy. With what, you say? What does that matter? Busy. Me. That's the situation. But I'm not here to argue about it. I wanted to apologize. Yes. Apologize. You see Blog, it wasn't fair of me...it wasn't fair of me to start you up and then abandon you. You don't deserve that. You deserve better. All blogs deserve better. You start a blog...you damn well better follow through. That's a man's responsibility. If you can't handle that then, well, you ought never have started a blog in the first place.

So no more excuses. That's what I'm telling you Blog. Straight from the heart. Down on a knee. I'm coming back to you. No...now don't get like that. It's not bullshit this time. This time it's for real. It's just that I think I was trying too hard before, you know? Like I thought you had to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect Blog - you just have to be YOU. I mean, have you SEEN the Internet lately? It's a No-Fail Zone (except for the blog about Failing, but you get my point). So trust me. That's what I'm asking Blog. Trust me. I'm coming back to you. We're gonna do this together. You and me. Doesn't matter if no one's looking. I'm just here for you and you alone.

You and me, Blog. Forever.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

This blog seemed like a good idea at the time. Depot for useless thoughts. Now I can't think of a single thing to post here. I've got about ten aborted posts, dead after three sentences, sitting in my saved pile. Maybe I need a gimmick.

This is me hog-tying my parents' dog. Really. It's the best I can do.

I'm strongly considering internet retirement at this point...