Death

I suddenly remembered that I have this blog.  And I really like the name.  I kinda wanted to connect it to my slightly more popular (in relative terms) essay blog, but I don't seem to be able to.  Because they were created under different email addresses and merging the two would apparently explode the internet.  So my hopes of reviving this blog as a cross-eyed dumping ground of useless funtimes have been dashed.  I created this account with my Yahoo address and so it must die.

I am so sorry.

Here are some boobs.

God bless and good night.

Something Like the Beginning

I think part of my struggle with this blog (besides the fact that it doesn't write itself) is that I wanted it to be funny, or interesting, or colon-explodingly spectactular. I wanted it to be what I saw in other blogs. I wanted a hook and I wanted to be amusing. The problem is that I'm funny, interesting AND colon-explodingly spectacular pretty much all the time, but that's a hard thing to get across in a blog (you really need to live that particular experience).

So this is my last try. The purpose of this blog moving forward is a recounting of my life from the end of my series of Los Angeles e-mails. After leaving LA I moved to Brooklyn, lost every last hint of self-confidence and spiraled into a depression so deep that I spent nearly four years in a terrifically boring office job in Buffalo without really noticing. That's about to end soon (one way or another) and now seems like a good time to fill in the gaps. And if I can't even do that, the blog dies.

Boy and Dog. Dog now dead.

Before Los Angeles everything is hazy. I was born in Ellsworth, in a manager, surrounded by moose and bears. Let me think about it. I can probably remember something else...

What Star Trek Needs to Do For Me

The new Star Trek movie has arrived. Everyone seems to think it's pretty good, which bodes well, because I plan on seeing it. But is it great? I think it could be great, but only if it fulfills between 60%-75% of my Star Trek Reboot Wish List, which goes as follows:

1) Victims of the Vulcan Neck Pinch need to drool a little afterward. That makes it more realistic.

2) Tony Jaa. I don't even care what he's doing. He could be eating a burrito and hitting on high school girls. It would still be awesome.

3) Shirtless Ricardo Montalban.

4) Oh. He's dead? Nevermind then.

5) Cameo appearance from the Three-Breasted Prostitute from Total Recall. Possibly banging Captain Kirk. I'm open to suggestions.

6) Ewoks. Exploding. Exploding Ewoks.

7) Kal Penn shows up and gets baked with Lt. Sulu, followed by epic journey through space and time in search of cheap, palm-sized burgers.

8) Batman. And don't tell me Batman doesn't exist in the future. I've seen Batman Beyond.

9) Predator vs. Aliens. Vs. Jason vs. Freddy. Vs. Sever vs. Ecks. Six-way battle royal. (Lucy Liu for the win.)

10) Ponies. Hordes of beautiful ponies.

Oh fuck it. They've already got my damn money.

What Do You Want From Me, Blog? I'm Only Human

Look. Things have been a little tough lately. I've been real busy. With what, you say? What does that matter? Busy. Me. That's the situation. But I'm not here to argue about it. I wanted to apologize. Yes. Apologize. You see Blog, it wasn't fair of me...it wasn't fair of me to start you up and then abandon you. You don't deserve that. You deserve better. All blogs deserve better. You start a blog...you damn well better follow through. That's a man's responsibility. If you can't handle that then, well, you ought never have started a blog in the first place.

So no more excuses. That's what I'm telling you Blog. Straight from the heart. Down on a knee. I'm coming back to you. No...now don't get like that. It's not bullshit this time. This time it's for real. It's just that I think I was trying too hard before, you know? Like I thought you had to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect Blog - you just have to be YOU. I mean, have you SEEN the Internet lately? It's a No-Fail Zone (except for the blog about Failing, but you get my point). So trust me. That's what I'm asking Blog. Trust me. I'm coming back to you. We're gonna do this together. You and me. Doesn't matter if no one's looking. I'm just here for you and you alone.

You and me, Blog. Forever.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

This blog seemed like a good idea at the time. Depot for useless thoughts. Now I can't think of a single thing to post here. I've got about ten aborted posts, dead after three sentences, sitting in my saved pile. Maybe I need a gimmick.

This is me hog-tying my parents' dog. Really. It's the best I can do.

I'm strongly considering internet retirement at this point...

Kenta Kobashi vs. Steve Williams

This is the first of what will likely be many reviews/discussions of my favorite professional wrestling matches. I wouldn't expect many people to be all that interested in these, but as I've noted before professional wrestling fascinates me. I'd imagine that most people look at professional wrestling the same way I look at ballet or free-form jazz. You may be able to discern the difference between "good" and "bad" examples of the craft, but without a grounding in the basics (or a passing interest, let's be honest) it all just runs together. Ballet, to me, is people prancing around in spandex, sort of aimlessly jumping and twirling and being all sorts of androgynous good times. Jazz is just toots and beeps. I can tell when someone is REALLY good at, say, playing the saxophone or being a nutcracker or whatever. But could I tell you *what* I think is good about their performance? No. They didn't trip and fall. Their saxophone didn't explode in disgust. The levels of excellence, and the ways in which skill and practice are hammered together to make art in these fields, are completely lost on me.

And that's what it must look like to people watching professional wrestling who don't especially enjoy that kind of performance art. Because that's what it is - performance art. It's not a sport. It's never been a sport. Maybe once, a long time ago, in a carnival or sideshow far far away, the barker actually picked a legitimately random person from the audience to go a round with the strong man. But then the strong man lost and who pays to see a strong man who can't even beat some schmuck from the audience? From that point on the "sports" end of "sports entertainment" died away permanently. The illusion stayed, but let's be honest - we all knew. We *chose* to maintain the illusion, to lose ourselves in the show. Because it's a show. I know Frodo's not real and if he dies and Sauron wins my life will go on all the same, thank you very much. But I want the story. I want to believe in the battle. Good writing makes me believe. Good wrestling does the same. Good wrestling is a story - performance art for people who don't mind watching dudes roll around in their underwear.

Kenta Kobashi vs. Steve Williams

September 3, 1993 (or August 31, according to other sources. I wasn't there, so I can't verify either way)

Williams is 33 here and an 11 year pro. Kobashi is 26 and only a five year pro, though he's already been in 8 matches awarded 5 Stars by the Wrestling Observer Newsletter (considered a rather respectable authority when it comes to these things). In fact, he lost his first 63 matches and still won rookie of the year (as determined by the Japanese press). So he's good. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Williams is in the red underoos, Kobashi in the orange (or, more obviously, Williams is the ugly bearded American, Kobashi is the Japanese guy). Kosbashi is the crowd favorite, the match being in Japan (for the All Japan Wrestling promotion, to be specific). Stiff, angryman lock-up to start leads into a couple quick reversals and MAN SLAPPING. Kobashi tries to tackle Williams down, but Dr. Death (as they call him) baits Kobashi into a spinebuster. Williams slaps on a standing surfboard, which Kobashi (eventually) reverses to a german suplex. Right on the head. That's going to be a theme...

Kosbashi clotheslines Williams out of the ring and DDTs him on the floor, then knocks him back down with a clothesline from the top rope to the floor. Kobashi drags Dr. Death back into the ring and lays in some CHOPS. Those sound like they hurt because they do hurt, I've been told. I suppose I could have someone come over and slap me in the nipples to verify, but I'll just take it as gospel. Kobashi maintains control with an assortment of chin locks, kicks and suplexes. Nothing too grand, but if Williams is anything (besides ugly) he's tough. Williams tries to come back with chops, but Kobashi IS UNIMPRESSED. Flying knee in the corner! More chops! Oops. Turns out, that just pisses Williams off. HE'S LIKE BISHOP FROM THE X-MEN! STOP CHOPPING HIM KOBASHI!! HE'S JUST ABSORBING THE KINETIC ENERGY!!!

(Come on. I know he's not Wolverine, but Bishop is a perfectly valid X-Men reference. Look him up.)

Sure enough, Williams hulks up and press slams Kobashi over the top, straight down to the floor. SPLAT. That'll learn 'im. Williams kinda reminds me of Randy Savage...like if the Macho Man gained thirty pounds of muscle, four inches of height and about twenty extra thwacks from the ugly stick. Out on the floor, Williams tosses Kobashi into the guardrail and CARTWHEELS INTO A BACK ELBOW!! Totally unnecessary, but fun nonetheless.

Williams hauls Kobashi up and rams him twice into the post, then tosses him aside like the proverbial sack of shit. Back inside, Williams hits a brainbuster and a TIGER SUPLEX! Good thing Kobashi trains to be dropped on his neck like that...cover gets two. Kicks and chops from Williams only serve to FIRE KOBASHI UP! Running forearm sets him back down, though. Weird, slow-motion cradle spot follows...never quite seen that before. Not sure I need to see it again.

Williams goes for the Doctor Bomb (gutwrench powerbomb)...blocked. Switches to the Backdrop Driver...also blocked. Kobashi seems hesitant to be dropped on his head again. Don't fight fate, Kenta. MANSLAPPING!! Kenta brought a spin kick to a bitch slap fight, so he wins. Kobashi tosses Williams outside the ring again and DDTS HIM OFF THE GUARDRAIL! Take THAT motor skills!! Kobashi charges and eats a POWERSLAM ON THE FLOOR! Looks like Kenta Jr.'s gonna be doing all the shoveling this winter...

Back inside, Kobashi reverses a whip to a bulldog. MACHINE GUN CHOPS! Williams reverses his own whip into a dropkick?? FLYING LUMBERJACK! Kobashi side-steps the Three Point Charge - sleeper! Williams jumps back and squashes Kobashi and HE DOESN'T LET GO! Williams has the spirit of the Grizzly Bear though and rolls to the ropes for a break. Williams with more MANSLAPS to come back and splashes Kobashi in the corner. He climbs up the ropes looking for the Cattle Branding...but Kobashi slugs him down and delivers the SUPERPLEX - MOST POWERFUL OF ALL PLEXES! Cover gets two! TWO DDTS! TWO COUNT AGAIN! Kobashi is incredulous! Three leg drops and a german suplex! Still only two! Williams is clutching the back of his head...gee, I wonder why. Kobashi climbs up top - MOOOOOONSAULT! That's his deathkill move! One..two...th-NOO! Crowd does *not* believe it. YOU HAVE TO TAKE HIS HEAD, KENTA!! Up top again! MOOOONSAU-KNEES UP! Ouchie. That was greedy, Kenta. Let that be a lesson.

Three Point Stance shoulderblock from Williams. DOCTORBOMB! Whoa, Kobashi reverses in mid-air and lands on top of Williams! Or they totally fucked that up...let's just assume they meant to do that. Kobashi up first...LARIATOOOOOOOOOO (aka, running clothesline)!!!! Only two! The spirit of the murderous grizzly bear is strong in Williams. Williams dodges the flying knee in the corner - OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE (running powerslam)!!! Two again! Kobashi is two-thirds zombie at this point...Williams charges - LARIATOOOOOOOO!!!! One...two...NO!. KOBASHI RISES AGAIN! HIS THIRST FOR BRAINS IS TOO MIGHTY! CHOPS TO THE FOREHEAD! Kobashi with a roll-up...for two! Williams charges...Kobashi grabs a sleeper! Williams reverses to the BACKDROP DRIVER!!!! Christ! Kobashi is dead...pin gets TWO?? Kobashi is UNDEAD!! Williams picks him up - ANOTHER BACKDROP DRIVER!!! RIGHT ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD!! Kobashi crawls to his feet! ZOMBIE KOBASHI WON'T STAY DOWN!! Williams grabs him - BACKDROP DRIVER #3!! WITH THE BRIDGE...1, 2 AND 3!!

***

Steve Williams officially retired this year, though, as a professional wrestler "retirement" is something of a fluid state. Kobashi is still active in Japan, wrestling primarily for Pro Wrestling NOAH. Both men are cancer survivors. Foolish, foolish cancer.

Tis the Season for Hording

I love Christmas. And I'd love to pretend it's because of Jesus and giving and magical talking snowmen from Queens, but really, I like getting things. I love possessions. I want to HAVE things. Turns out, in most cases, that I don't in any way need the things I desire, and in a lot of cases, I can hardly find the time to get around to actually using any of the things I crave and desire and so forth. That doesn't stop me from wanting more things, of course. With that in mind, I took a peek at the Tower o' DVDs to evaluate the status of presents from the recent past. Here were my findings:

1) "24" Season 1

Received: Christmas 2005

Status: 20% complete

Comments: I skipped 24 through the first 3 seasons, but I was bored, lonely and - most importantly - equipped with a functional television when season 4 rolled around. I watched it and loved it. Then I got season 1 for Christmas. I watched four or five episodes on New Year's Eve ('05/'06). This was when Kristin and I lived in her parent's attic. I swear I'll watch this someday. Probably when I'm living alone. Kristin has zero interest in ever finishing this.

2) "Alias" Seasons 1, 2 & 3

Received: Christmas 2005 (1), 2007 (2 &3)

Status: Season 1 is 70% complete; seasons 2 and 3 remain in plastic

Comments: These aren't my DVDs. They're Kristin's. We were totally enjoying season 1 and so Kristin asked for the next two seasons and got them. Of course, we never finished season 1. I'm totally up for at least finishing that set, but Kristin's interest has ebbed all the way down to zero. Once again, breaking the other TV comes back to bite me in the ass.

3) Children of Men

Received: Christmas 2007

Status: in plastic

Comments: I loved this movie...why I thought I needed to see it again I'm not sure. Probably someday, someone will come over and say, "Children of Men? Is that any good?" and then BOOM. Until then Clive Owen will have to just sit there and smolder silently to himself.

4) Faith Rewarded

Received: Christmas 2004

Status: in plastic

Comments: This is a DVD about the Red Sox 2004 World Series win. Kristin is a Yankee fan and hates the Red Sox. She bought me the DVD as a begrudging sign of good faith. That was good of her, but I'm pretty positive she inadvertently cursed the Yankees with her simple loving gesture. To make it up to her, I'm never going to open this up and watch it. Unless the Red Sox start to stink.

5) Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Received: hmmm...Graduation 2003...Valentine's Day...Christmas...I have no idea

Status: in plastic

Comments: my college girlfriend (I can call her that because there was only one of those) gave me this. Why? I don't remember. It's a good movie, but five years later I find that I've never been sitting around and suddenly thought "Hey! I totally feel like watching 'Ferris Bueller' right now!" I mean, that's what basic cable is for, right?

6) The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection

Received: Christmas 2006

Status: 85% complete

Comments: I have a lot of wrestling-related DVDs. Did you know that? I loved professional wrestling as a kid, distanced myself from it for a long while as a teen, and then became completely fascinated with it in my 20s. That's something I'm still trying to work out, but I can't deny my interests. Anyway, I'm pretty much all the way through this DVD set. Actually, 85% in 2 years is a high benchmark for me...

7) Harry Potter 1, 2, 3 & 4

Received: Christmas 2005 (1, 2 & 3), 2006 (4)

Status: plastic, plastic, watched, plastic

Comments: Seriously. Do you have cable? Turn it on right now. Grab your remote and cycle through the channels....keep going...couple more...THERE IT IS! And that version has built in potty breaks.

8) He-Man volumes 1, 2, 3 & 4

Received: bought for myself (1), Christmas 2007 (2&3), sent by my mom just for shits and giggles (4)

Status: 45% (volume 1), unwatched, unwatched, unwatched

Comments: That's a lot of fucking He-Man.

9) Hot Fuzz

Received: Christmas 2007

Status: in plastic

Comments: Santa dropped this in my stocking last year. Saw it in the theaters and liked it quite a bit. Am I supposed to watch it again?

10) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (seasons 1&2)

Received: Christmas 2007

Status: 40% complete

Comments: I love this show. I also forget that I own it. Awesomely forgettable. That's a compliment, right?

11) Outlaw Star

Received: Christmas 2007

Status: 25% complete

Comments: Anime is a shaky breezeway for me to walk upon. I have two series on DVD - Trigun and Cowboy Beebop - and they're two of my favorite TV shows of all time, but a lot of anime is completely incomprehensible to me. I heard good things about Outlaw Star, but it was never on TV, so Santa brought it to me. So far? Pretty alright, I suppose. I don't think I've watch an episode since May though...that may be telling...

12) Pan's Labyrinth

Received: Christmas 2007

Status: in plastic

Comments: I love this movie. Strangely, I haven't felt like depressing the holy fuck out of myself recently, which explains why this remains on the bench.

13) Robot Chicken (season 1)

Received: Christmas 2006

Status: 70% complete

Comments: Another good one. I think this set suffers from the same "Oh shit! I forgot I own this!" disorder currently afflicting my Sunny in Philadelphia set.

14) Voltron (seasons 1 & 2)

Received: Christmas 2006

Status: 5% complete

Comments: Did you know that Voltron makes no absolutely no fucking sense? I did not remember that. My memories of Voltron were of sweet-ass lion-esque robots tearing ass across the countryside and beating the shortbread out of some purple-looking dude. Maybe that happens later. I only watched one episode. It's taken me 2 years to recover from the aneurysm. i think I'm ready for episode 2.